Sexism is alive and well and living in my town.

Periodically I forget that people really do judge others based solely on skin color, religion or gender. Then I smack head long into it and I am stunned.


For example, I recently got new tires put on my car at NTB, here in my fair metropolis.  They, as courtesy , checked out my whole car. Isn't that nice of them? They came back to me with $5,000 worth of stuff that was wrong with my poor car. That is 3 zeros there people. 3.   I was stunned. They wanted me to give them permission to do the work right there. I said I would have to talk to my husband about. Using the old "Gee. I need to clear all of these with my husband . I was only allowed to get tires, mister" thing.   All of a sudden my became a death trap. That's right if I drove off in my car with doing this work, I would cause and accident.  People might DIE!!  Are you scared?  Well, I did drive off without getting the oh so important life saving work done and guess what? My car passed inspection to get my tags renewed. 

Death trap? Not so much.

This whole thing remind me of when I was in high school. Oh so many moons ago. The men in my family were big supporters of women being able to take care of themselves. So before I could drive a car. I had to learn basic car maintenance. How to change a tire. Check the fluids. What type of fluids to put back in the car. Familiar enough to the engine to know when something is disconnected. That kind of stuff.

This 'cause no end of problems in my rural hometown.  It was my first experience with being completely disregarded because I was a girl.  See if you are female you can't possible know anything about the engine in your car. Nothing!  And after battling it for a couple of years, I started hiring guys to take my car to the shop when it needed to go.  Fun Celia fact.

Anyway I wanted to let all my friends know that NTB hires sexist mechanics who will try to take advantage if you let them. Thus ends Celia's Story time.  Tomorrow episode "As the Aughra turns"

How Long?

How long?
How long am I to be understanding?
How long am I to be the only one worried about the future?
How long am I to be the only one parenting?
How long am I to be the only one deal with the bad?

How long should I put me behind them?
How long should I stay in a house that is not good for my daughter or me?
How long should I ignore that the XBox is more important than me?
How long should I believe that my child & myself are wanted?

How long do I keep my promises when they don't keep theirs?
How long do I hold on while the other person seems to let go?
How long do I believe them when they say thing will get better?
How long do I keep pretending?


How long is too long?
How long is too soon?

To my peeps ~just so you know we all have these questions sometimes.

PISSED! (warning not for everyone)

I'm Pissed! Not the euro pissed as in drunk. The US pissed as in postal. Today I come home from putting in extra hours to pay bills. Zombie Boy and Mini-me are watching cartoons. Neither say HI. Neither acknowledge that I have even entered the house. So I ask Mini-me if she had done her homework.(assuming she had 'cuz it is over an hour since she had gotten out of school. 'No, Daddy said she could watch cartoons and eat cookies first.' sigh. I told Mini-me to quit playin' her dad, get in her room and do her homework. I told both of them that they knew better, homework before TV. Mini-me starts the 'its too hard', 'I don't understand' whine which for her translates into 'I don't wanna do my homework. You come do it for me.' Well Angry Guy shows-up. He starts telling Mini-me to quit acting stupid. And as she gets more upset he gets louder. Then is like 'Fine! Cry!' The whole time I have been trying to be calm and calm down Angry Guy. SO not working. Then he made her cry. MY HER!

That was it! Gloves are off! I told him he is doing exactly the same shit to Mini-me that was done to him and I AM NOT HAVING IT! I will be GOD DAMMED if he is going to damage my child. So we had an ugly conversation. I was not kind.

Backround:
Lately, if I try to talk to him about my feelings on what is going on...'Bum is all 'I am only doing this to keep you' implying that if I leave him, he will stop counseling. So ever so gently I point out that he needs to stop worrying about what I am doing and start worrying about getting well for his daughter. HE then tells me I am trying to control him by threatening divorce. First of all I would like to point out I never threaten anyone. I state my position on a situation so that everyone knows where they stand. Today, during the Angry Guy triad, I had an epiphany! The Son of A Bitch was controlling me by saying I was behaving like his mother.

Back to the fight:
After I slapped him down(figuratively speaking), he stomped off to our room to pout. Such the wrong move. 'Cuz I stew. My Papa-san says it is the German in me, but what ever the reason the longer I think about something the madder I get. So when pouty boy reemerged we had us a little pow-wow. I told him that I am sick in tired of him trying to make me think I am the crazy one. I am done with the way he behaves toward my daughter. And he had better start doing what the fucking Counselor says. He cannot hinge his mental health on me. I can barely keep myself sober and a good parent I cannot carry his ass around also. I know my limits.

He counters with Dr. Feelgood wants him to cry and to get angry. And he doesn't want to. My response? TOO FUCKING BAD. Man up, Damn it! If not feeling those feeling is what broke you in the first place, than continuing to ignore them will not help you heal. So now he is tearing up 'cuz I iz a unfeeling bitch. I asked him who are we going to listen to the diagnosed crazy guy who barely finished high school or the Dr. who is working on her master degree in this? mmm... Gosh I don't know. Which should we choose? Bah! Just typing it out is making me mad again. What right has He got to decide not to follow through with treatment? Damn it!!!! I chose good this time. He had a good job. He paid his bills. He thought I was a princess. Everything was pretty good. We fought but everybody fights. Then I became a mommy and he lost his fool mind. WHY ME!?!?!

The 3 faces of 'Bum

So many people know something has been up in the CeliaAnne Knits household and himself has finally given me permission to discuss this with MY family and friends.(We will get back to the reason for the 'MY' in the last sentence.) In the Spring of this year, I told my 'bum I was out. Done. After 10 years I was ready to leave. Which completely blindsided him and that fact flabbergasted me.

How could he have missed how unhappy his wife-y and daughter were? Was he just not seeing it? We talked it over and over and over. I decided that, if he was willing go to marriage counseling, I was willing to try to work it out. So we go and we talk to the very nice Dr. Feelgood. The following takes place over 3-4 visits.

Dr. Feelgood asks I what is going on. I tell my side of our issues. I tell her feel like the only grown-up. That I have to be aware of what mini-me is doing and what my 30+ 'son' is up to. I have to play referee between the two of them all the time. The dog even ignores him. I am the only person concerned about paying bills and cleaning the house. That's not true. Mini-me is always offering her piggy bank to help me pay a bill and always trying to help me clean the house. And then I admit to being a difficult person to live with. I am not patient with adults as a rule. 'Bum? he sits there. Says nothing. Acts like he doesn't even realize he is in the room with us.

Dr. Feelgood gets his attention after a couple of tries and asks him what he was thinking. He says he doesn't know. She asks him why he does these things he says he doesn't know. She asks him why he is so angry all the time. He says he thinks It is because he has a chemical imbalance. She sniffs. Dr.Feelgood asks 'Bum to talk about his childhood. So he talks. During this time, I mostly listen. Sometimes I interject something that the in-laws had shared with me. Hearing his childhood from his point of view made me really sad for lil'Bum. Kids don't see things the same way adults do. If adults don't explain things to children, children come-up with their own explanations and they hold them close as solid truths.

After about 2 sessions of this is 'Bum's life, Dr. Feelgood drops the bomb. 'Bum has a physiological disorder, Dissociative Identity. Think Sybil, but not that bad. Mini-me and I had actually come up with names (pre-diagnosis) for the different faces 'bum has. Which I thought was interesting when I looked up info on this disorder. This info understandably scared 'Bum. I am going to take a moment to describe each facet of 'Bum. Those have meet him in real life may recognized them.

There is Angry Guy. He is mad at the world. If you won't just give it to him he will take it. Don't look at him the wrong way or it is on. You don't actually have to do anything to Angry Guy. Angry Guy is the reason my family thinks that 'Bum might become abusive. He has never been physically abusive. Mentally? Guess so. I am not sure. Dr. Feelgood says 'yes'. CeliaAnne says 'neh, could go either way. Nobody is perfect.' Mini-me didn't get a vote, but she had been have nightmares about her daddy when I decided enough was enough.

The next side of 'Bum is Zombie Boy. Zombie Boy cannot walk past the TV without being caught under its spell. Zombie Boy is the one who puts the XBox before his daughter and wife. Zombie Boy is the one who checks out when you are talking to 'Bum.

And then there's Daddy. Daddy is the one who plays with Mini-me. Daddy takes Mini-me sledding. Daddy volunteers at Mini-me's school library. We like Daddy man. He is a great human being.

Back to Dr. Feelgood. She said that there was no point in working on our marriage when we never really knew who we were talking to. In fact when 'Bum said he didn't know why he did something, really didn't. He probably wasn't the one that did it. Dr. Feelgood said something happened to lil'Bum that was so bad, he couldn't deal. His lil'mind broke instead. Dr. Feelgood said that I didn't need to come anymore. 'Bum asked me to continue to come. He didn't want to do this alone.

WOW! All I can say about this next couple of sessions is Angry Guy has a lot of RAGE toward his parents. A LOT. Dr. Feelgood and 'Bum finally started to get to the meat of his problems. Then 'Bum asked me to stop coming. He was afraid for me to know about whatever it was that broke him. I still don't know what that was. Frankly, judging by what he did share with me and what I know from the in-laws, I am almost 100% sure I don't wanna know.

Dr. Feelgood and himself decided to cut all contact with his parents. I personally think this is wrong. However, 'Bum and Dr. Feelgood both believe that him talking about this to his parent would end really badly. (yes, bossy nosey me called Dr. Feelgood and made her explain herself. OK, 'Bum told her to talk to me about this.) 'Bum actually told me to call the police if either of them showed up at the house. He gave me the impression that he expected violence. My question is what the hell happened to him? And then I remind myself that if he ever starts talking to his parents again, I would probably not be able to be nice to them if it was their fault. It is a Pandora's box, once I hear it I won't be able to forget it. As it sits now...No contact with his family, his choice I know but I still think they deserve to at least know where this is coming from. And now he has decided to stop going. He tells me he just needs to make an appointment and has needed to for about a month. Things are slowly shifting back to the way the were in the Spring of this year. So here I sit trying to keep it all together. And convince my broken 'Bum to get help. 'Cuz if he doesn't .. I don't don't like to things threaten. I just do what I say I'm going to do. I told him that I will protect our daughter even from him if I have to.

What a Day!

Ever have one of those days that can't end soon enough? Today is one of those. My type-A, little amazon decided to stage a coup and The Crazy came for a visit.

Now the amazon princess has spent the whole day trying to take over. Just pushing. 'I know you said this mom but do you still mean it? YES I still mean it quit asking! Why are you yelling at me?' bah...she makes me crazy. The mother's curse comes home to roost. But I remained in power. Mwahhha!

Then The Crazy starts in.

When people are trying to help you out of a situation, maybe you should tell them the truth. My family started a charity. We let people work of their court-order community service hours with us, all we ask is that you tell the truth. We had this person working up there that lied to use about why they were there.

When we made a report the their PO, we mentioned some things that while not good were not big deals. Except that this person didn't tell us that they had a DUI and no driver's license. So it became a big deal.

Now they are harassing my mama-san. 20 some odd calls in less than 3 hrs. I finally answered their call.

(I should take a moment to tell you, dear readers, that I have a pretty bitchy streak. I call it the crazy hillbilly. I try to keep her locked-up. She is just not good to be out around people.)

So Crazy and me 'talked'. (I use talked loosely here, because the conversation went downhill fast.) How upset can you be if you have made some pretty stupid moves and then you get busted for them? I mean honestly. It isn't mine or mama-san's fault you are in this position. You did it all by youself.

SO this day was not one of my most shinning moments. And I just can't wait for it to be over...