Aughra has had a busy summer and fall. Lots of stuff going on since our last update. Aughra spent most of the summer across the state with her Sunshine and his family. I think it was an enlighten time for all of them. Sunshine and Aughra realized that they really don't know each other. At one time I intercepted a phone call from him to Mama-san . I don't really remember what he was calling about. What I do remember is that my very stoic uncle said to me "She's a lot of work, isn't she?" Yes, Dear uncle. Yes, she is. Aughra was in and out of the hospital a couple of times. She has trouble remembering that she needs her oxygen all the time.
Mama-san spent her summer getting Aughra affairs in order. Having a bit of a life. (Something she hasn't had for 9 years give or take.) Generally having a quiet summer. Then Aughra came back. She is different than when she left. More of her memories are gone. She is missing words. Which pisses her off and makes her mean. She cries more. She is almost childlike sometimes. If she thinks you are late coming to see her she panics and believes you aren't coming. She really isn't who I grew-up with at all. Mama-san believes that the real Aughra still shows up from time to time but I haven't seen it. She has lost a lot of weight. Basically she has become a tiny little old lady.
She had a really serious trip to the hospital for emergency surgery. Aughra had to have 6 ft of bowel removed. The Dr Feel-good prepared us for the fact that she might not make it. She did. Much to her annoyance. So this is where we sit. All of us watching her slowly die. Depressing.
Showing posts with label drama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drama. Show all posts
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Death & Dying
So I think it is time for another Aughra update. This one will be a little different than others. See Aughra's body has decided not to wait for her anymore. When I went to see her on Sunday, I was shocked. I see her every week and in one week she had noticeably lost mass. The skin around her eyes was red and sunk in. Her forearms were smaller than my 9 yr olds. At the end of last week, they called mama-san and told her they were concerned with Aughra's kidneys. They seem to be leeching more water from her body than she is taking in. Also Necrosis specifically Coagulative Necrosis has begun in her legs.
Let's see if I can organize my thoughts into something you can follow. Aughra's mind still works, at least as well as it can with her low O2 levels. So She knows her body is crumbling around her and it scares the hell out of her. She never expected to live to be old. She had her 1st major stoke in her 40's. That is when they found the brain tumor. Which seems to be benign since it hasn't changed in 30 years. She has 4 major strokes and a ton of mini ones that she barely notices. Those, a heart murmur and 2 bouts of cancer have done nothing to make her believe she was ever going to live to be old. So she never thought about a lingering death. She thought it would be more of a bolt out of the sky thing. Now she is scared and small. I hope you understand what I mean by small. She seems to have drawn in on herself. She used to but this force of nature and now she is just a little old lady.
I got to thinking about death and dying. I remember me and my friends discussing our deaths. Do we want to grow old and dying in our sleep or go fast in some dramatic way? I know all of you, my dear readers, will shocked to find out that none of us picked and a slow wasting illness as the ideal way to shuffle off this mortal coil.
In this day and age we seem to have more compassion for our pets than for our human loved ones. If our dog/cat has something fatal and is in pain, we do something about it. We can't stand to see the poor thing suffering. If our great Aunt Sue is dying of incurable cancer and is in pain, society says we need to 'just be there' for her. Which means there isn't a damn thing you can do for her but wait like a vulture for her to go. the whole time quietly praying for an end to her suffering while feeling guilty about wishing for her death.
Why? Why do we do this? Is the last few months with this person, who isn't really the person you loved because the pain and drugs had changed them, that important? Is my sadness more important than Aunt Sue's pain? Well, I will tell you the sudden death of my paternal grandfather was a lot easier than this. I even found him all cold and stuff. The lingering decline of my great grandfather who had dementia.He didn't know where he was half the time and other half of the time he thought my Mama-san was his wife. Nothing to it. There was pain but the pain was short lived.
One of the hardest things I do is going to see how much of my grandmother, my Aughra, has disappeared in the last week and knowing that she knows how much she has lost too.
Let's see if I can organize my thoughts into something you can follow. Aughra's mind still works, at least as well as it can with her low O2 levels. So She knows her body is crumbling around her and it scares the hell out of her. She never expected to live to be old. She had her 1st major stoke in her 40's. That is when they found the brain tumor. Which seems to be benign since it hasn't changed in 30 years. She has 4 major strokes and a ton of mini ones that she barely notices. Those, a heart murmur and 2 bouts of cancer have done nothing to make her believe she was ever going to live to be old. So she never thought about a lingering death. She thought it would be more of a bolt out of the sky thing. Now she is scared and small. I hope you understand what I mean by small. She seems to have drawn in on herself. She used to but this force of nature and now she is just a little old lady.
I got to thinking about death and dying. I remember me and my friends discussing our deaths. Do we want to grow old and dying in our sleep or go fast in some dramatic way? I know all of you, my dear readers, will shocked to find out that none of us picked and a slow wasting illness as the ideal way to shuffle off this mortal coil.
In this day and age we seem to have more compassion for our pets than for our human loved ones. If our dog/cat has something fatal and is in pain, we do something about it. We can't stand to see the poor thing suffering. If our great Aunt Sue is dying of incurable cancer and is in pain, society says we need to 'just be there' for her. Which means there isn't a damn thing you can do for her but wait like a vulture for her to go. the whole time quietly praying for an end to her suffering while feeling guilty about wishing for her death.
Why? Why do we do this? Is the last few months with this person, who isn't really the person you loved because the pain and drugs had changed them, that important? Is my sadness more important than Aunt Sue's pain? Well, I will tell you the sudden death of my paternal grandfather was a lot easier than this. I even found him all cold and stuff. The lingering decline of my great grandfather who had dementia.He didn't know where he was half the time and other half of the time he thought my Mama-san was his wife. Nothing to it. There was pain but the pain was short lived.
One of the hardest things I do is going to see how much of my grandmother, my Aughra, has disappeared in the last week and knowing that she knows how much she has lost too.
Monday, March 1, 2010
The Odyssey by Me
Gather around all as I tell the tale of the month the CeliaAnne Clan tried to move.
Once upon a time, this lovely man that Clan CeliaAnne knew offered to help them get into one of the lands he manages. These were nice lands in a good part of the city. He even offered to give it to them at a lower rent. The Clan was excited and started making plans to move.
Landlord man came back to Clan Chief a few days after and said that he really need them to move in before the first of the month not 2 weeks away. Their leader pondered a moment and decided it was still do-able if they all buckled down. Then the lands the clan was living in said that they were fine with them moving but they would need to give them 30 days notice and pay the last 3 months on their lease. Still CeliaAnne's Clan persevered.
Then all of a sudden they had a clan member break ranks and not help with the move. Then another did the same. OOOH! What was their fearless leader to do? She struggled and she packed. She pleaded and she yelled.
Meanwhile the clan leader also tried to prepared the new homeland for the clan. She made sure the water was there and fuel for their fires. She made sure that they had lights to see by during the long dark evenings. Finally clan leader tried to make sure that Clan CeliaAnne would be able to communicate with other clans. Lo! She ran into yet another trap set out to ensnare our intrepid clan.
The Keepers of the mystical Internet/phone/cable decided to be difficult. So the clan leader went to the seers to confer with them regarding the Keepers. The 1st seer gave the clan leader high hopes that this would be resolved easliy but no. She told the leader to talk to The Keepers directly. So the leader did. After much discussion Keeper 1 sent the clan leader back to the house of the seers. At the House of the Seers, the clan chief was told to speak to a different seer than she saw the 1st time. So our heroine talked to 2nd seer. 2nd Seer looked at the message 1st seer sent to the keepers and discovered that 1st seer didn't follow the proper rituals required to get a favorable response. So 2nd seer resent the message supposedly with all the proper rituals observed. Alas! This message too was not properly worded to suit the Keepers. The Clan leader repeated this scene with different seers and keepers 7 times. Then she broke down and had a teeny tiny panic attack. Clan CeliaAnne's fearless leader was reduced a gibbering fool.
Finally The Amazon from a neighboring clan stepped in and told Clan CeliaAnne to back their leader and help her out. Her second in command stepped-up to help with The Keepers of the mystical Internet/phone/cable and also with Those who dispose. After 2 abort attempts by her second, The Keepers of the mystical Internet/phone/cable finally bestowed the wonders of Internet/phone/cable. So a month after our intrepid clan moved to this new homeland, they once more could trade with neighboring clans and it was good.
So did you like the story? It way more entertaining to read about then to live it. The truth of the matter is this: At&t U-verse is crazy good. I really like having it. However, they have a major problem with their information flow. If they tell you they will call you back, they won't. You never get to talk to the same person twice. Every time you talk to a new person they close out the old ticket and open a new work order ticket (that is how I ended up with 9 separate tickets). Also every time they open a new ticket, they hit your credit report. I now have 9 new credit inquiries. So on the whole I would not recommend U-verse to anyone based on my experience. They got a solid F- from me.
Once upon a time, this lovely man that Clan CeliaAnne knew offered to help them get into one of the lands he manages. These were nice lands in a good part of the city. He even offered to give it to them at a lower rent. The Clan was excited and started making plans to move.
Landlord man came back to Clan Chief a few days after and said that he really need them to move in before the first of the month not 2 weeks away. Their leader pondered a moment and decided it was still do-able if they all buckled down. Then the lands the clan was living in said that they were fine with them moving but they would need to give them 30 days notice and pay the last 3 months on their lease. Still CeliaAnne's Clan persevered.
Then all of a sudden they had a clan member break ranks and not help with the move. Then another did the same. OOOH! What was their fearless leader to do? She struggled and she packed. She pleaded and she yelled.
Meanwhile the clan leader also tried to prepared the new homeland for the clan. She made sure the water was there and fuel for their fires. She made sure that they had lights to see by during the long dark evenings. Finally clan leader tried to make sure that Clan CeliaAnne would be able to communicate with other clans. Lo! She ran into yet another trap set out to ensnare our intrepid clan.
The Keepers of the mystical Internet/phone/cable decided to be difficult. So the clan leader went to the seers to confer with them regarding the Keepers. The 1st seer gave the clan leader high hopes that this would be resolved easliy but no. She told the leader to talk to The Keepers directly. So the leader did. After much discussion Keeper 1 sent the clan leader back to the house of the seers. At the House of the Seers, the clan chief was told to speak to a different seer than she saw the 1st time. So our heroine talked to 2nd seer. 2nd Seer looked at the message 1st seer sent to the keepers and discovered that 1st seer didn't follow the proper rituals required to get a favorable response. So 2nd seer resent the message supposedly with all the proper rituals observed. Alas! This message too was not properly worded to suit the Keepers. The Clan leader repeated this scene with different seers and keepers 7 times. Then she broke down and had a teeny tiny panic attack. Clan CeliaAnne's fearless leader was reduced a gibbering fool.
Finally The Amazon from a neighboring clan stepped in and told Clan CeliaAnne to back their leader and help her out. Her second in command stepped-up to help with The Keepers of the mystical Internet/phone/cable and also with Those who dispose. After 2 abort attempts by her second, The Keepers of the mystical Internet/phone/cable finally bestowed the wonders of Internet/phone/cable. So a month after our intrepid clan moved to this new homeland, they once more could trade with neighboring clans and it was good.
So did you like the story? It way more entertaining to read about then to live it. The truth of the matter is this: At&t U-verse is crazy good. I really like having it. However, they have a major problem with their information flow. If they tell you they will call you back, they won't. You never get to talk to the same person twice. Every time you talk to a new person they close out the old ticket and open a new work order ticket (that is how I ended up with 9 separate tickets). Also every time they open a new ticket, they hit your credit report. I now have 9 new credit inquiries. So on the whole I would not recommend U-verse to anyone based on my experience. They got a solid F- from me.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Thelma & Louise
So Aughra and her roommate were exciting last week. Auhgra hasn't been feeling well lately. Not really able to do much of anything. Her COPD is getting worse. Anyway, she was in the bathroom had a dizzy spell and fell off the toilet. (Stop laughing! That is my poor elderly grandmother!) Those of you who have ever used a hospital bathroom have seen there is a call string? Did Aughra use this nifty little device put there to call for help? Nope.So the Centurian decided to help my grandmother. Did she help her by pushing the call button beside her? Nope. She decided that her 4'4" 95 lbs frame could pick my 5'5" 140 lbs grandmother up. Care to guess what happen next? That's right they both ended up on the floor.
Now of one of them will pull the call string right? Right? Nope. The Centurian crawled out into the hallway to get help. Nether of them were seriously hurt. The Centurian has a nice bruise. Aughra won't admit to anything. In fact, both of them refuse to admit that it even happened. Sigh. I think they may be be bad influences on each other.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Oh JOY - an Aughra saga update
I was just thinking today is an excellent day to do an Aughra update.
So let's see when we last left herself, she was being transferred to a nursing home. We got her into what is considered the best facility in my home town by health care providers. Which was no small feat. Anybody want to know what to look for when choosing a nursing home? I knew you did.
First you want to talk to nurses and doctors about the facilities. How often do they get people in the emergency room for fall/wounds from these places? People mistakenly think that bed sores are a sign of neglect. The truth is that bed sores come to anybody who stays still for long periods of time. They come for the skin breaking down from constant pressure. Now the size of the sore or if it wasn't treated properly are things to watch for.
Secondly go for a visit. Look in the corners of the rooms. Is there dirt or dust? Look at the lights. Are there dead bugs? Both of these will let you know how clean the place is.
Third. Look at the people living there. Is their hair brushed? Do they have food on their clothes? Do they smell? I emphasize the 'they' because with that many people with varying degrees of incontinence in one place it is going to smell. You want to make sure they are being well cared for. Thus ends my choosing a nursing house tutorial.
Back to Aughra. Her 1st roommate, Wheels, was a woman who has late stag MS. Sadly her family doesn't visit often and as such she tried to horn in on other people's visits. She had made herself such a pest that the nurses were slow to answer her when she used her call button. So she would make my grandmother call for her. She would wake my grandmother up at 3 am to call for her. sigh
Aughra can be a touch of a hard ass. I have even heard her referred to as 'meaner than a black snake(whip).' She was told that if she wanted to stay in this nice home she had to play nice with the other kids. I must say I am really proud of her. She stayed in that room the second longest of anyone who had Wheels as a roommate. Yep. 3 weeks. Poor Wheels.
Her next room was on the long term care wing. So much posher than the skilled care wing. Anyhoo. Her new roommate is the pet of the floor. Centurian is 102 years old. That is right 102. She is a sweet little thing. Blind as a bat and deaf. Centurian might be 4'4". Maybe. She daughter comes in everyday to see her. Which is nice to know since she also kind of looks out for Aughra.
So now Aughra is settled and will let us put pictures up and decorate her room. We are being to clean out her house. I have concerns. My Mama-san and I are fundamentally different people. I am systematic kind of gal. I line projects up and go right down the line doing them. Mama-san is really more of a free spirit. I am concerned that I am going to annoy the hell out of her before this is all said and done. Yes. People who know me in 3D land know I kind of relish annoying people, but only if I do it on purpose. I don't like it to be accident.
Also I have taken on the project of scanning the family photos in to the computer and adding who the picture is of to the summary. Damn we are are picture takin' people. I have 20 photos of Aughra's nose that is out of focus cause she was playing with her new camera. I have 2 rolls of photos her retirement party from a place that doesn't even exist anymore. Tons of pictures of butts from different members of the family. Seriously it doesn't matter how bad the photo turn out, we still have it. So that is going to be great fun. I will be tied to the computer when ever I am home. My knitting is going to suffer.
So let's see when we last left herself, she was being transferred to a nursing home. We got her into what is considered the best facility in my home town by health care providers. Which was no small feat. Anybody want to know what to look for when choosing a nursing home? I knew you did.
First you want to talk to nurses and doctors about the facilities. How often do they get people in the emergency room for fall/wounds from these places? People mistakenly think that bed sores are a sign of neglect. The truth is that bed sores come to anybody who stays still for long periods of time. They come for the skin breaking down from constant pressure. Now the size of the sore or if it wasn't treated properly are things to watch for.
Secondly go for a visit. Look in the corners of the rooms. Is there dirt or dust? Look at the lights. Are there dead bugs? Both of these will let you know how clean the place is.
Third. Look at the people living there. Is their hair brushed? Do they have food on their clothes? Do they smell? I emphasize the 'they' because with that many people with varying degrees of incontinence in one place it is going to smell. You want to make sure they are being well cared for. Thus ends my choosing a nursing house tutorial.
Back to Aughra. Her 1st roommate, Wheels, was a woman who has late stag MS. Sadly her family doesn't visit often and as such she tried to horn in on other people's visits. She had made herself such a pest that the nurses were slow to answer her when she used her call button. So she would make my grandmother call for her. She would wake my grandmother up at 3 am to call for her. sigh
Aughra can be a touch of a hard ass. I have even heard her referred to as 'meaner than a black snake(whip).' She was told that if she wanted to stay in this nice home she had to play nice with the other kids. I must say I am really proud of her. She stayed in that room the second longest of anyone who had Wheels as a roommate. Yep. 3 weeks. Poor Wheels.
Her next room was on the long term care wing. So much posher than the skilled care wing. Anyhoo. Her new roommate is the pet of the floor. Centurian is 102 years old. That is right 102. She is a sweet little thing. Blind as a bat and deaf. Centurian might be 4'4". Maybe. She daughter comes in everyday to see her. Which is nice to know since she also kind of looks out for Aughra.
So now Aughra is settled and will let us put pictures up and decorate her room. We are being to clean out her house. I have concerns. My Mama-san and I are fundamentally different people. I am systematic kind of gal. I line projects up and go right down the line doing them. Mama-san is really more of a free spirit. I am concerned that I am going to annoy the hell out of her before this is all said and done. Yes. People who know me in 3D land know I kind of relish annoying people, but only if I do it on purpose. I don't like it to be accident.
Also I have taken on the project of scanning the family photos in to the computer and adding who the picture is of to the summary. Damn we are are picture takin' people. I have 20 photos of Aughra's nose that is out of focus cause she was playing with her new camera. I have 2 rolls of photos her retirement party from a place that doesn't even exist anymore. Tons of pictures of butts from different members of the family. Seriously it doesn't matter how bad the photo turn out, we still have it. So that is going to be great fun. I will be tied to the computer when ever I am home. My knitting is going to suffer.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
YAY ME! (okay not really)
Today I got the wondrous joy of breaking an old lady's heart. Yep. I am a horrible thoughtless child who is too selfish to take her poor little grandmother in to keep her from a nursing home.
Never mind the fact that she would go from being her own person to the chaos that is my household. Never mind that her and I would fight like cats and dogs. (Man, can her and I fight.) Never mind that she is confused and weak and needs a nurse to take care of her. The point is she doesn't want to go into a home and I should take care of her.
Snort. Isn't it funny how people throw aside all common sense when faced with something they don't want to happen? She knows(knew?) that me and her living together is an incredibly bad idea. But still she had to try. I told her no and she cried. YAY. I made Aughra cry.
Then she started in on Mama-san. Apparently Mama-san just sits there with a 'stupid grin' on her face all the time. I then jumped in and pointed out that this wasn't a piece of cake for Mama-san either. Aughra is no longer the woman Mama-san knows and it is hard not to cry. So Mama-san fakes it. Aughra cried.
By the time we left the Loony Tunes Ranch today, I had made Aughra cry 4 times. Yep. I am evil. sigh.
Never mind the fact that she would go from being her own person to the chaos that is my household. Never mind that her and I would fight like cats and dogs. (Man, can her and I fight.) Never mind that she is confused and weak and needs a nurse to take care of her. The point is she doesn't want to go into a home and I should take care of her.
Snort. Isn't it funny how people throw aside all common sense when faced with something they don't want to happen? She knows(knew?) that me and her living together is an incredibly bad idea. But still she had to try. I told her no and she cried. YAY. I made Aughra cry.
Then she started in on Mama-san. Apparently Mama-san just sits there with a 'stupid grin' on her face all the time. I then jumped in and pointed out that this wasn't a piece of cake for Mama-san either. Aughra is no longer the woman Mama-san knows and it is hard not to cry. So Mama-san fakes it. Aughra cried.
By the time we left the Loony Tunes Ranch today, I had made Aughra cry 4 times. Yep. I am evil. sigh.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Heartbroken
To Sorrow I bade good-morrow, And thought to leave her far away behind; But cheerly, cheerly, She loves me dearly: She is so constant to me, and so kind.
- John Keats
As I type I am heartbroken. My chest is aching and tears are rolling down my face. No, Aughra is not dead. It is worst than that. She is well and truly defeated. I know the suicide should have been a clue by four. But I honestly thought she just couldn't handle the pain anymore. I was wrong. After all the tragedy and sorrow she survived in her time on this planet. Life finally beat her. She is done. I ache for her.
Maybe sometime in the future I will commit what I know of Aughra's life here. Maybe not. There are a lot of episodes that people will judge. Where I stop and say look what they did in order to survive. Others will say how could they have possibly done that?
Tomorrow Mama-san and myself start the process of cleaning out her house to sell. Her 'Sunshine' and his lil' rays of light have not really expressed and interest in helping or real concern for her. So sad. We will be trying to guess what they will want. Trying not to give away the things that mean something to us.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
The Aughra Saga continued.
Isn't funny how during high stress events things change by the second? Yesterday when we took Aughra to the hospital, we were told that though she made it through the night of a thousand pills, she may have killed her liver. Therefore would still be dying and considered a successful suicide. 3 very long hours later the test came back that her liver was fine.
They then admitted her under a psychiatric hold and we left her there. Mama-san went in to see her this morning. All was well. She missed the doctor's rounds but the nurses were very reassuring. A few hours later at Mini-me's soccer game we get a call they are transferring her to an actual Psych hospital. The nurse is thinking Two Rivers. Then we get the call that Aughra needs clothes by 5 pm so she can be transferred to Research. Don't let the lovely web page fool you if there was a place that still uses electroshock therapy this is it.
So Mom gets there to find out that they let Aughra release herself over to Research. Aughra? The same lady who took 10 percocet with 30 vicodin chasers 2 nights ago? We are letting her make decisions now? And then we are going to tell the person with her power of attorney she can't talk to her. UNBELIEVABLE!!!
So finally My Grandmother and the nurse at that fine establishment had a set to. And now Mama-san can come and see her. In fact they insist.
What new and wonderous thing will this event spawn tomorrow?
They then admitted her under a psychiatric hold and we left her there. Mama-san went in to see her this morning. All was well. She missed the doctor's rounds but the nurses were very reassuring. A few hours later at Mini-me's soccer game we get a call they are transferring her to an actual Psych hospital. The nurse is thinking Two Rivers. Then we get the call that Aughra needs clothes by 5 pm so she can be transferred to Research. Don't let the lovely web page fool you if there was a place that still uses electroshock therapy this is it.
So Mom gets there to find out that they let Aughra release herself over to Research. Aughra? The same lady who took 10 percocet with 30 vicodin chasers 2 nights ago? We are letting her make decisions now? And then we are going to tell the person with her power of attorney she can't talk to her. UNBELIEVABLE!!!
So finally My Grandmother and the nurse at that fine establishment had a set to. And now Mama-san can come and see her. In fact they insist.
What new and wonderous thing will this event spawn tomorrow?
Friday, August 28, 2009
Suicide Watch
“God, I don’t know why you want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it’s awfully heavy. But, if you want me to carry it, I will.”
We placed Aughra in the hospital on suicide watch today. She will not be returning to her home. If and when they release her from the hospital she will be going into a care facility.
UPDATE: The Hospital wants to release Aughra to a physic hospital today. sigh. Not really what we were hoping for.
We placed Aughra in the hospital on suicide watch today. She will not be returning to her home. If and when they release her from the hospital she will be going into a care facility.
UPDATE: The Hospital wants to release Aughra to a physic hospital today. sigh. Not really what we were hoping for.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Only a Go-Go Girl in Love
'But as she walks,
she waits for him the pavement is a shoulder for her tears
But in her heart she knows there is no way
She can hope to change him.'
'Only a go-go girl in love
with someone who didn't care'
~ excerpt from Go-Go Round by Gordan Lightfoot
'Bum. sigh. One year ago I told him I was done. I told him what had to happen in order to keep our life together. As of today, He has done none of it. So I give myself a stern talking to I say "Celia Anne you deserve better than this. There is someone out there who will pull their own weight in the house. Who will actually hear what you are saying. Who won't make you feel bad about yourself. Why are you still here?"
To which I reply,"12 years is a long time to throw away. As a couple we still have heat. I can't keep my hands off. I still want him. But I want the him I married; not the him who walks through the door every night."
SO now what? I am clearly not ready to walk away. Even if my head keeps telling me that is where we are headed. Ugh! Libra, make up your damn mind and stick with it! You are doing more harm than good going back and forth and he isn't going to change 'cause you have already proven you won't leave if he doesn't.
she waits for him the pavement is a shoulder for her tears
But in her heart she knows there is no way
She can hope to change him.'
'Only a go-go girl in love
with someone who didn't care'
~ excerpt from Go-Go Round by Gordan Lightfoot
'Bum. sigh. One year ago I told him I was done. I told him what had to happen in order to keep our life together. As of today, He has done none of it. So I give myself a stern talking to I say "Celia Anne you deserve better than this. There is someone out there who will pull their own weight in the house. Who will actually hear what you are saying. Who won't make you feel bad about yourself. Why are you still here?"
To which I reply,"12 years is a long time to throw away. As a couple we still have heat. I can't keep my hands off. I still want him. But I want the him I married; not the him who walks through the door every night."
SO now what? I am clearly not ready to walk away. Even if my head keeps telling me that is where we are headed. Ugh! Libra, make up your damn mind and stick with it! You are doing more harm than good going back and forth and he isn't going to change 'cause you have already proven you won't leave if he doesn't.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Something evil this way comes
I can see the evil coming. I can see where this will end. Why can't I fix it? Why can't I stop her from doing these things to herself?
I am seriously distraught right now. I thought it was over and yet tonight I caught her biting herself. I am going to back up a moment. Last year we found out Mini-me was hitting herself whenever things got too much for her. I tried to find her help. I asked her school to recommend a counselor. They counselor treated her like she was acting out in class. THAT IS NOT WHAT SHE IS DOING! She is inflicting pain on herself to make her feel better. This is so wrong. Why can't a find help? I can't find any info on children her age even doing this.
And my support system? They all think that there is something each of them can say that will magically makes this go away. Like I haven't? I am heart sick and so very worried about her. I am here. I am engaged. I see her as her own person not as my chance to rewrite history. Why can't I fix this? Why can't I make it stop?
UPDATE: Morning has dawned and after coffee, it seems I may have been over reacting just a little bit. I know I was just as shocked as the rest of you. Me over react? never. Oh! and that bit up there where I said...
Note to Self: Self- Blogging maybe not such a good idea. People are going to learn about all the crazy you wade through in your head. This may be too much info.
I am seriously distraught right now. I thought it was over and yet tonight I caught her biting herself. I am going to back up a moment. Last year we found out Mini-me was hitting herself whenever things got too much for her. I tried to find her help. I asked her school to recommend a counselor. They counselor treated her like she was acting out in class. THAT IS NOT WHAT SHE IS DOING! She is inflicting pain on herself to make her feel better. This is so wrong. Why can't a find help? I can't find any info on children her age even doing this.
And my support system? They all think that there is something each of them can say that will magically makes this go away. Like I haven't? I am heart sick and so very worried about her. I am here. I am engaged. I see her as her own person not as my chance to rewrite history. Why can't I fix this? Why can't I make it stop?
UPDATE: Morning has dawned and after coffee, it seems I may have been over reacting just a little bit. I know I was just as shocked as the rest of you. Me over react? never. Oh! and that bit up there where I said...
"I see her as her own person not as my chance to rewrite history."Yeah, I was full of shit. After advise from a couple of sources, I realize that my addictive crap makes me worry about her having her own addiction start up. Not really seeing her for herself there. Instead of tell her that biting herself seems really goofy and painful, I tell her that she really shouldn't do that and it is so wrong. snort Parenting is hard. I am so worried about screwing this kid up. That I may do it by over thinking. Anyhoo. I am going to breathe for a while. I am going to try to lighten the hell up. I am going to watch. Thus ends the drama freak out.
Note to Self: Self- Blogging maybe not such a good idea. People are going to learn about all the crazy you wade through in your head. This may be too much info.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
How Long?
How long?How long am I to be understanding?
How long am I to be the only one worried about the future?
How long am I to be the only one parenting?
How long am I to be the only one deal with the bad?
How long should I put me behind them?
How long should I stay in a house that is not good for my daughter or me?
How long should I ignore that the XBox is more important than me?
How long should I believe that my child & myself are wanted?
How long do I keep my promises when they don't keep theirs?
How long do I hold on while the other person seems to let go?
How long do I believe them when they say thing will get better?
How long do I keep pretending?
How long is too long?
How long is too soon?
To my peeps ~just so you know we all have these questions sometimes.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Double Standards
I has some. Meet Aughra. This is how I see her, hence the name. She is the Matriarch on my mother's side. She started a charity in her hometown. She can be the most charming person in the world unless you are a female related to her, then she picks you part constantly. Today I yelled at Aughra. She started in on Mini-me... 'How I should beat her more often'; 'How she has no manners'; 'How she doesn't even know the difference between a tomato and a potato'. ( note Mini-me does know the difference. She was really sick as a baby and has a speech prob. The names sound the same to her, so she uses then interchangeably) As I sat there listening to her tear apart my Mama-san, myself and my daughter, I realized that I have a complete double standard when it comes to her. She says things that I would jump down someone else's throat about. I wonder why? Is it because my Mama-san asked me not to start something with Aughra? Maybe. Little. Is it cause I still get a little scared of what will happen if I yell at her? I think that is a lot of it. She likes to withhold affection if you don't toe the line. Aughra likes to dangle something in front of you. 'Here. See this? This is how much I love you. When I die you will get it. I have hung on to it your whole life just for you.' Then when your opinion is different than hers, she snatches it away. When I was 8-9, she gave me this dress to wear. I hated it. wouldn't wear it. We had a big fight. Didn't talk to each other for probably 10 years. Aughra is tough woman. She's had a hard life. Very hard. It has made her a hard woman. She assumes anyone she loves is out to screw her. This is what her life experiences have taught her. She is in the process of dying now. It is a painful ugly death. Slowly drowning. So my conundrum is this... I know she loves us all of us. I know she cannot express it the way most people do. Do I ignore her behavior and do clean up with my daughter afterward? Is this the way I want my daughter to remember the woman that most of Aughra's hometown thinks is a saint? 'Cuz bucking the system means fighting with my Mama-san too. Do I want to go there? I know that my Mama-san will side with Aughra she has to. Aughra will hurt her in ways that can't be forgiven, if she sides with me. So then what? I have heard that I am just as hard as Aughra. Am I really that ugly and hard to people? See, Opening this can of worms means hearing that over and over again. This is depressing. I think I'll pull a Scarlet and think about it tomorrow.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
PISSED! (warning not for everyone)
I'm Pissed! Not the euro pissed as in drunk. The US pissed as in postal. Today I come home from putting in extra hours to pay bills. Zombie Boy and Mini-me are watching cartoons. Neither say HI. Neither acknowledge that I have even entered the house. So I ask Mini-me if she had done her homework.(assuming she had 'cuz it is over an hour since she had gotten out of school. 'No, Daddy said she could watch cartoons and eat cookies first.' sigh. I told Mini-me to quit playin' her dad, get in her room and do her homework. I told both of them that they knew better, homework before TV. Mini-me starts the 'its too hard', 'I don't understand' whine which for her translates into 'I don't wanna do my homework. You come do it for me.' Well Angry Guy shows-up. He starts telling Mini-me to quit acting stupid. And as she gets more upset he gets louder. Then is like 'Fine! Cry!' The whole time I have been trying to be calm and calm down Angry Guy. SO not working. Then he made her cry. MY HER!
That was it! Gloves are off! I told him he is doing exactly the same shit to Mini-me that was done to him and I AM NOT HAVING IT! I will be GOD DAMMED if he is going to damage my child. So we had an ugly conversation. I was not kind.
Backround:
Lately, if I try to talk to him about my feelings on what is going on...'Bum is all 'I am only doing this to keep you' implying that if I leave him, he will stop counseling. So ever so gently I point out that he needs to stop worrying about what I am doing and start worrying about getting well for his daughter. HE then tells me I am trying to control him by threatening divorce. First of all I would like to point out I never threaten anyone. I state my position on a situation so that everyone knows where they stand. Today, during the Angry Guy triad, I had an epiphany! The Son of A Bitch was controlling me by saying I was behaving like his mother.
Back to the fight:
After I slapped him down(figuratively speaking), he stomped off to our room to pout. Such the wrong move. 'Cuz I stew. My Papa-san says it is the German in me, but what ever the reason the longer I think about something the madder I get. So when pouty boy reemerged we had us a little pow-wow. I told him that I am sick in tired of him trying to make me think I am the crazy one. I am done with the way he behaves toward my daughter. And he had better start doing what the fucking Counselor says. He cannot hinge his mental health on me. I can barely keep myself sober and a good parent I cannot carry his ass around also. I know my limits.
He counters with Dr. Feelgood wants him to cry and to get angry. And he doesn't want to. My response? TOO FUCKING BAD. Man up, Damn it! If not feeling those feeling is what broke you in the first place, than continuing to ignore them will not help you heal. So now he is tearing up 'cuz I iz a unfeeling bitch. I asked him who are we going to listen to the diagnosed crazy guy who barely finished high school or the Dr. who is working on her master degree in this? mmm... Gosh I don't know. Which should we choose? Bah! Just typing it out is making me mad again. What right has He got to decide not to follow through with treatment? Damn it!!!! I chose good this time. He had a good job. He paid his bills. He thought I was a princess. Everything was pretty good. We fought but everybody fights. Then I became a mommy and he lost his fool mind. WHY ME!?!?!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Weezy Doll Revisited.
I promised a couple of knitters to work up the pattern for Weezy. So I revised my notes on this delightful labor of Love for Mini-me. Guess what? I will totally have to rework her. I cannot make heads or tails of my notes. Sigh. Well, that's okay I have some new ideas regarding construction. Can you hear my maniacal laughter? It is there I promise. I must but off to finish my 2nd sock of the Rain Day socks I am working on. I am in danger of catching 2nd sock syndrome. Every day that passes makes it just that much harder to pick the needles up.Mama-san is having some health 'troubles' these days. They concern me. Not in the freak-out 'Oh Noes! my mommy sick! How will I survive?!?!?!' way. But in the 'What is the next step?' way. I am a planner. I like to know what is going on pretty far out so that I can plan. I get a little twitchy when things are up in the air. Down right mean sometimes. My Mama-san is a go with the flow type of person. very in the now.
She doesn't want to discuss the 'troubles'. She will wait until she is forced to confront them. I, however, want to know what is going on right now!!!!!! I need time to look it up on the internet, to plan just exactly what I need to do to help her get through all of it. Pushing the issue is not helping though. So I sit and twitch and try not to push her around about it. So there it is in a nutshell. Blah!
Monday, September 29, 2008
The 3 faces of 'Bum
So many people know something has been up in the CeliaAnne Knits household and himself has finally given me permission to discuss this with MY family and friends.(We will get back to the reason for the 'MY' in the last sentence.) In the Spring of this year, I told my 'bum I was out. Done. After 10 years I was ready to leave. Which completely blindsided him and that fact flabbergasted me.
How could he have missed how unhappy his wife-y and daughter were? Was he just not seeing it? We talked it over and over and over. I decided that, if he was willing go to marriage counseling, I was willing to try to work it out. So we go and we talk to the very nice Dr. Feelgood. The following takes place over 3-4 visits.
Dr. Feelgood asks I what is going on. I tell my side of our issues. I tell her feel like the only grown-up. That I have to be aware of what mini-me is doing and what my 30+ 'son' is up to. I have to play referee between the two of them all the time. The dog even ignores him. I am the only person concerned about paying bills and cleaning the house. That's not true. Mini-me is always offering her piggy bank to help me pay a bill and always trying to help me clean the house. And then I admit to being a difficult person to live with. I am not patient with adults as a rule. 'Bum? he sits there. Says nothing. Acts like he doesn't even realize he is in the room with us.
Dr. Feelgood gets his attention after a couple of tries and asks him what he was thinking. He says he doesn't know. She asks him why he does these things he says he doesn't know. She asks him why he is so angry all the time. He says he thinks It is because he has a chemical imbalance. She sniffs. Dr.Feelgood asks 'Bum to talk about his childhood. So he talks. During this time, I mostly listen. Sometimes I interject something that the in-laws had shared with me. Hearing his childhood from his point of view made me really sad for lil'Bum. Kids don't see things the same way adults do. If adults don't explain things to children, children come-up with their own explanations and they hold them close as solid truths.
After about 2 sessions of this is 'Bum's life, Dr. Feelgood drops the bomb. 'Bum has a physiological disorder, Dissociative Identity. Think Sybil, but not that bad. Mini-me and I had actually come up with names (pre-diagnosis) for the different faces 'bum has. Which I thought was interesting when I looked up info on this disorder. This info understandably scared 'Bum. I am going to take a moment to describe each facet of 'Bum. Those have meet him in real life may recognized them.
There is Angry Guy. He is mad at the world. If you won't just give it to him he will take it. Don't look at him the wrong way or it is on. You don't actually have to do anything to Angry Guy. Angry Guy is the reason my family thinks that 'Bum might become abusive. He has never been physically abusive. Mentally? Guess so. I am not sure. Dr. Feelgood says 'yes'. CeliaAnne says 'neh, could go either way. Nobody is perfect.' Mini-me didn't get a vote, but she had been have nightmares about her daddy when I decided enough was enough.
The next side of 'Bum is Zombie Boy. Zombie Boy cannot walk past the TV without being caught under its spell. Zombie Boy is the one who puts the XBox before his daughter and wife. Zombie Boy is the one who checks out when you are talking to 'Bum.
And then there's Daddy. Daddy is the one who plays with Mini-me. Daddy takes Mini-me sledding. Daddy volunteers at Mini-me's school library. We like Daddy man. He is a great human being.
Back to Dr. Feelgood. She said that there was no point in working on our marriage when we never really knew who we were talking to. In fact when 'Bum said he didn't know why he did something, really didn't. He probably wasn't the one that did it. Dr. Feelgood said something happened to lil'Bum that was so bad, he couldn't deal. His lil'mind broke instead. Dr. Feelgood said that I didn't need to come anymore. 'Bum asked me to continue to come. He didn't want to do this alone.
WOW! All I can say about this next couple of sessions is Angry Guy has a lot of RAGE toward his parents. A LOT. Dr. Feelgood and 'Bum finally started to get to the meat of his problems. Then 'Bum asked me to stop coming. He was afraid for me to know about whatever it was that broke him. I still don't know what that was. Frankly, judging by what he did share with me and what I know from the in-laws, I am almost 100% sure I don't wanna know.
Dr. Feelgood and himself decided to cut all contact with his parents. I personally think this is wrong. However, 'Bum and Dr. Feelgood both believe that him talking about this to his parent would end really badly. (yes, bossy nosey me called Dr. Feelgood and made her explain herself. OK, 'Bum told her to talk to me about this.) 'Bum actually told me to call the police if either of them showed up at the house. He gave me the impression that he expected violence. My question is what the hell happened to him? And then I remind myself that if he ever starts talking to his parents again, I would probably not be able to be nice to them if it was their fault. It is a Pandora's box, once I hear it I won't be able to forget it. As it sits now...No contact with his family, his choice I know but I still think they deserve to at least know where this is coming from. And now he has decided to stop going. He tells me he just needs to make an appointment and has needed to for about a month. Things are slowly shifting back to the way the were in the Spring of this year. So here I sit trying to keep it all together. And convince my broken 'Bum to get help. 'Cuz if he doesn't .. I don't don't like to things threaten. I just do what I say I'm going to do. I told him that I will protect our daughter even from him if I have to.
How could he have missed how unhappy his wife-y and daughter were? Was he just not seeing it? We talked it over and over and over. I decided that, if he was willing go to marriage counseling, I was willing to try to work it out. So we go and we talk to the very nice Dr. Feelgood. The following takes place over 3-4 visits.
Dr. Feelgood asks I what is going on. I tell my side of our issues. I tell her feel like the only grown-up. That I have to be aware of what mini-me is doing and what my 30+ 'son' is up to. I have to play referee between the two of them all the time. The dog even ignores him. I am the only person concerned about paying bills and cleaning the house. That's not true. Mini-me is always offering her piggy bank to help me pay a bill and always trying to help me clean the house. And then I admit to being a difficult person to live with. I am not patient with adults as a rule. 'Bum? he sits there. Says nothing. Acts like he doesn't even realize he is in the room with us.
Dr. Feelgood gets his attention after a couple of tries and asks him what he was thinking. He says he doesn't know. She asks him why he does these things he says he doesn't know. She asks him why he is so angry all the time. He says he thinks It is because he has a chemical imbalance. She sniffs. Dr.Feelgood asks 'Bum to talk about his childhood. So he talks. During this time, I mostly listen. Sometimes I interject something that the in-laws had shared with me. Hearing his childhood from his point of view made me really sad for lil'Bum. Kids don't see things the same way adults do. If adults don't explain things to children, children come-up with their own explanations and they hold them close as solid truths.
After about 2 sessions of this is 'Bum's life, Dr. Feelgood drops the bomb. 'Bum has a physiological disorder, Dissociative Identity. Think Sybil, but not that bad. Mini-me and I had actually come up with names (pre-diagnosis) for the different faces 'bum has. Which I thought was interesting when I looked up info on this disorder. This info understandably scared 'Bum. I am going to take a moment to describe each facet of 'Bum. Those have meet him in real life may recognized them.
There is Angry Guy. He is mad at the world. If you won't just give it to him he will take it. Don't look at him the wrong way or it is on. You don't actually have to do anything to Angry Guy. Angry Guy is the reason my family thinks that 'Bum might become abusive. He has never been physically abusive. Mentally? Guess so. I am not sure. Dr. Feelgood says 'yes'. CeliaAnne says 'neh, could go either way. Nobody is perfect.' Mini-me didn't get a vote, but she had been have nightmares about her daddy when I decided enough was enough.
The next side of 'Bum is Zombie Boy. Zombie Boy cannot walk past the TV without being caught under its spell. Zombie Boy is the one who puts the XBox before his daughter and wife. Zombie Boy is the one who checks out when you are talking to 'Bum.
And then there's Daddy. Daddy is the one who plays with Mini-me. Daddy takes Mini-me sledding. Daddy volunteers at Mini-me's school library. We like Daddy man. He is a great human being.
Back to Dr. Feelgood. She said that there was no point in working on our marriage when we never really knew who we were talking to. In fact when 'Bum said he didn't know why he did something, really didn't. He probably wasn't the one that did it. Dr. Feelgood said something happened to lil'Bum that was so bad, he couldn't deal. His lil'mind broke instead. Dr. Feelgood said that I didn't need to come anymore. 'Bum asked me to continue to come. He didn't want to do this alone.
WOW! All I can say about this next couple of sessions is Angry Guy has a lot of RAGE toward his parents. A LOT. Dr. Feelgood and 'Bum finally started to get to the meat of his problems. Then 'Bum asked me to stop coming. He was afraid for me to know about whatever it was that broke him. I still don't know what that was. Frankly, judging by what he did share with me and what I know from the in-laws, I am almost 100% sure I don't wanna know.
Dr. Feelgood and himself decided to cut all contact with his parents. I personally think this is wrong. However, 'Bum and Dr. Feelgood both believe that him talking about this to his parent would end really badly. (yes, bossy nosey me called Dr. Feelgood and made her explain herself. OK, 'Bum told her to talk to me about this.) 'Bum actually told me to call the police if either of them showed up at the house. He gave me the impression that he expected violence. My question is what the hell happened to him? And then I remind myself that if he ever starts talking to his parents again, I would probably not be able to be nice to them if it was their fault. It is a Pandora's box, once I hear it I won't be able to forget it. As it sits now...No contact with his family, his choice I know but I still think they deserve to at least know where this is coming from. And now he has decided to stop going. He tells me he just needs to make an appointment and has needed to for about a month. Things are slowly shifting back to the way the were in the Spring of this year. So here I sit trying to keep it all together. And convince my broken 'Bum to get help. 'Cuz if he doesn't .. I don't don't like to things threaten. I just do what I say I'm going to do. I told him that I will protect our daughter even from him if I have to.
Monday, September 1, 2008
The Last Knit
Alright all you yarn-olics out there. Here is your public service announcment. The YouTube film on the top could be you! Beware! Seriously the funniest G-rated thing I have seen in awhile.
Meanwhile back at the Ponderosa...Everthing around here is reasonably okay. Something are much better. 'Bum is more comfortable in his skin. His is better with the decisions he has made recently. In all he is good. Mini-me is doing great at school and is really interested in reading this year! Yippee!
I am continuing to try to curb the rampant cussing coming out of my mouth. I am still sober. Which some of you may know was alittle touch and go last month. I have a new exciting tick from all the stress in the house. Get this. Everytime I leave the house...I get a migraine. Which I then have for the rest of the day. What fun, huh? I am not sure what is the problem. Maybe it is 'cause 'bum poked the crazy and I am just waiting for the retaliation? Expecting WWIII? MMMM...That is a thought. Anyway the current keep-Celia-from-the-Hug-me-tight-coat meds are not working. So it is back to the Doctor's for me. Sigh. So that's the latest and greatest. Feel free to voice opinion on this subject.
Meanwhile back at the Ponderosa...Everthing around here is reasonably okay. Something are much better. 'Bum is more comfortable in his skin. His is better with the decisions he has made recently. In all he is good. Mini-me is doing great at school and is really interested in reading this year! Yippee!
I am continuing to try to curb the rampant cussing coming out of my mouth. I am still sober. Which some of you may know was alittle touch and go last month. I have a new exciting tick from all the stress in the house. Get this. Everytime I leave the house...I get a migraine. Which I then have for the rest of the day. What fun, huh? I am not sure what is the problem. Maybe it is 'cause 'bum poked the crazy and I am just waiting for the retaliation? Expecting WWIII? MMMM...That is a thought. Anyway the current keep-Celia-from-the-Hug-me-tight-coat meds are not working. So it is back to the Doctor's for me. Sigh. So that's the latest and greatest. Feel free to voice opinion on this subject.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
It'll be a cold day in hell...
I had a bad day this week. A really bad day. I am an addict. See... I keep thinking it’s was an addict. And then the NEED rears its head and the desire comes back. And I am a mess. The same mess I was when I decided to sober up. Here is the exciting part. I was an addict my junior-senior year in high school. It will be 14 years this year since I stopped. I forget between the times I have an attack (?) how bad they are. I forget that they even happen. My daughter’s god-mother tells me they happen about once or twice a year.I thought I would share my experience of alcohol with you. First you should know my family has a long history of drinking. Though none of them ever have called themselves an alcoholic. And in fact some of them still believe I am over dramatic about it. I was never that bad. Here is how bad it didn’t get. I was a fairly good student in high school. Pretty high marks. I was going to go to an art college. I lettered in speech and debate. Then I started drinking. At first it was very casual. Just a beer (or 5) at a party. People were always so admiring of the amount of liquor I could put away. So I started drinking more and harder alcohol. One of the nights I can remember I had drunk; 12 Jack Daniels’ Down Punch thingies, 4 big 32 oz glasses of rum w/ a little coca cola for color, and one of the big bottles of Mad Dog 20/20. After all that I could still walk. I was about 140 lbs. My school tried to intervene, I quit going. My boyfriend, who I was 'promised' to at that time started to catch on, I broke up with him out of the blue. My family tried, but I moved out. I refused to be helped. I was having fun.People say you spiral like water down a bath tub drain. But I never knew I was. I was partying and having sex. People liked me. It was a great time. I started blacking out waking up next to guys I wouldn’t even talk to sober. But some greater power was guarding me ‘cause I managed to only get a knocked up and a case of crabs. Yes, one of these great winners got me knocked up. However, the little pink line on the pee stick probably saved my life. Screw up myself? Sure. Why not? It’s my life. Screw up someone else? Not gonna do it. So I sobered up. I didn’t go to meetings. I didn’t go to rehab. I read everything I could find about addiction. This is NOT the way I would advise anyone to go about this. I made it way too hard on myself I should have gotten someone to help me. Please DO NOT THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA!.
So becoming sober sounds fairly cut and dry. You stop putting the poison in your body. You go through detox and find your triggers so you don’t slip. The thing I could never find anyone saying was how loud everything becomes. How bright. How hard and sharp all the edges of the world are. See the numbness is soft and seductive. It makes everything funny and easy. This week I was in pain, I wanted a drink so bad. It hurt to be sober. I ached for the numbness and the time way from reality. I wept I wanted it so bad. It was the 1st time in 14 years that it was that bad. I felt like such a loser for not being able to put this behind me. I know I am not a loser I am a strong person. But the addiction was thinking not me. One drink would take the edge off the pain. One drink won’t get me going again. This time I reached out. Told people what was happening. And while I struggled, I had people telling me I could beat it. And then another attack faded away.And I began to remember that it is like being allergic to something you crave. You know you shouldn't eat it. You know it will make you very sick and maybe this time even kill you. But it tastes so good.
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