Death & Dying

So I think it is time for another Aughra update. This one will be a little different than others. See Aughra's body has decided not to wait for her anymore. When I went to see her on Sunday, I was shocked. I see her every week and in one week she had noticeably lost mass. The skin around her eyes was red and sunk in. Her forearms were smaller than my 9 yr olds. At the end of last week, they called mama-san and told her they were concerned with Aughra's kidneys. They seem to be leeching more water from her body than she is taking in. Also Necrosis specifically Coagulative Necrosis has begun in her legs.

Let's see if I can organize my thoughts into something you can follow. Aughra's mind still works, at least as well as it can with her low O2 levels. So She knows her body is crumbling around her and it scares the hell out of her. She never expected to live to be old. She had her 1st major stoke in her 40's. That is when they found the brain tumor. Which seems to be benign since it hasn't changed in 30 years. She has 4 major strokes and a ton of mini ones that she barely notices. Those, a heart murmur and 2 bouts of cancer have done nothing to make her believe she was ever going to live to be old. So she never thought about a lingering death. She thought it would be more of a bolt out of the sky thing. Now she is scared and small. I hope you understand what I mean by small. She seems to have drawn in on herself. She used to but this force of nature and now she is just a little old lady.

I got to thinking about death and dying. I remember me and my friends discussing our deaths. Do we want to grow old and dying in our sleep or go fast in some dramatic way? I know all of you, my dear readers, will shocked to find out that none of us picked and a slow wasting illness as the ideal way to shuffle off this mortal coil.

In this day and age we seem to have more compassion for our pets than for our human loved ones. If our dog/cat has something fatal and is in pain, we do something about it. We can't stand to see the poor thing suffering. If our great Aunt Sue is dying of incurable cancer and is in pain, society says we need to 'just be there' for her. Which means there isn't a damn thing you can do for her but wait like a vulture for her to go. the whole time quietly praying for an end to her suffering while feeling guilty about wishing for her death.

Why? Why do we do this? Is the last few months with this person, who isn't really the person you loved because the pain and drugs had changed them, that important? Is my sadness more important than Aunt Sue's pain? Well, I will tell you the sudden death of my paternal grandfather was a lot easier than this. I even found him all cold and stuff. The lingering decline of my great grandfather who had dementia.He didn't know where he was half the time and other half of the time he thought my Mama-san was his wife. Nothing to it. There was pain but the pain was short lived.

One of the hardest things I do is going to see how much of my grandmother, my Aughra, has disappeared in the last week and knowing that she knows how much she has lost too.

Heartbroken

To Sorrow I bade good-morrow, And thought to leave her far away behind; But cheerly, cheerly, She loves me dearly: She is so constant to me, and so kind.
- John Keats

As I type I am heartbroken. My chest is aching and tears are rolling down my face. No, Aughra is not dead. It is worst than that. She is well and truly defeated. I know the suicide should have been a clue by four. But I honestly thought she just couldn't handle the pain anymore. I was wrong. After all the tragedy and sorrow she survived in her time on this planet. Life finally beat her. She is done. I ache for her.

Maybe sometime in the future I will commit what I know of Aughra's life here. Maybe not. There are a lot of episodes that people will judge. Where I stop and say look what they did in order to survive. Others will say how could they have possibly done that?

Tomorrow Mama-san and myself start the process of cleaning out her house to sell. Her 'Sunshine' and his lil' rays of light have not really expressed and interest in helping or real concern for her. So sad. We will be trying to guess what they will want. Trying not to give away the things that mean something to us.

The Aughra Saga continued.

Isn't funny how during high stress events things change by the second? Yesterday when we took Aughra to the hospital, we were told that though she made it through the night of a thousand pills, she may have killed her liver. Therefore would still be dying and considered a successful suicide. 3 very long hours later the test came back that her liver was fine.

They then admitted her under a psychiatric hold and we left her there. Mama-san went in to see her this morning. All was well. She missed the doctor's rounds but the nurses were very reassuring. A few hours later at Mini-me's soccer game we get a call they are transferring her to an actual Psych hospital. The nurse is thinking Two Rivers. Then we get the call that Aughra needs clothes by 5 pm so she can be transferred to Research. Don't let the lovely web page fool you if there was a place that still uses electroshock therapy this is it.

So Mom gets there to find out that they let Aughra release herself over to Research. Aughra? The same lady who took 10 percocet with 30 vicodin chasers 2 nights ago? We are letting her make decisions now? And then we are going to tell the person with her power of attorney she can't talk to her. UNBELIEVABLE!!!

So finally My Grandmother and the nurse at that fine establishment had a set to. And now Mama-san can come and see her. In fact they insist.

What new and wonderous thing will this event spawn tomorrow?

Suicide Watch

“God, I don’t know why you want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it’s awfully heavy. But, if you want me to carry it, I will.”




We placed Aughra in the hospital on suicide watch today. She will not be returning to her home. If and when they release her from the hospital she will be going into a care facility.

UPDATE: The Hospital wants to release Aughra to a physic hospital today. sigh. Not really what we were hoping for.

What Was I Thinking?

Dear Lord! I just did a search on a couple of my exes. One I broke up with 'cuz I was becoming a drunk and he would not have approved. And the other I married god help me while I was still being a drunk and when I sobered up I did not approve.

Anyway, I found them. Scared the crap outta me. Do I really wanna look these people up? If I made a connection, then what? Ugh. I have such a problem with relationships in general the whole thought of this boggles the mind. Back to the "What the hell Celia Anne?"

Did I just poke-the crazy? Are they gonna find me now? I'll be hiding under my bed if you need me.

Something evil this way comes

I can see the evil coming. I can see where this will end. Why can't I fix it? Why can't I stop her from doing these things to herself?

I am seriously distraught right now. I thought it was over and yet tonight I caught her biting herself. I am going to back up a moment. Last year we found out Mini-me was hitting herself whenever things got too much for her. I tried to find her help. I asked her school to recommend a counselor. They counselor treated her like she was acting out in class. THAT IS NOT WHAT SHE IS DOING! She is inflicting pain on herself to make her feel better. This is so wrong. Why can't a find help? I can't find any info on children her age even doing this.

And my support system? They all think that there is something each of them can say that will magically makes this go away. Like I haven't? I am heart sick and so very worried about her. I am here. I am engaged. I see her as her own person not as my chance to rewrite history. Why can't I fix this? Why can't I make it stop?

UPDATE: Morning has dawned and after coffee, it seems I may have been over reacting just a little bit. I know I was just as shocked as the rest of you. Me over react? never. Oh! and that bit up there where I said...

"I see her as her own person not as my chance to rewrite history."

Yeah, I was full of shit. After advise from a couple of sources, I realize that my addictive crap makes me worry about her having her own addiction start up. Not really seeing her for herself there. Instead of tell her that biting herself seems really goofy and painful, I tell her that she really shouldn't do that and it is so wrong. snort Parenting is hard. I am so worried about screwing this kid up. That I may do it by over thinking. Anyhoo. I am going to breathe for a while. I am going to try to lighten the hell up. I am going to watch. Thus ends the drama freak out.

Note to Self: Self- Blogging maybe not such a good idea. People are going to learn about all the crazy you wade through in your head. This may be too much info.

Double Standards

I has some. Meet Aughra. This is how I see her, hence the name. She is the Matriarch on my mother's side. She started a charity in her hometown. She can be the most charming person in the world unless you are a female related to her, then she picks you part constantly. Today I yelled at Aughra. She started in on Mini-me... 'How I should beat her more often'; 'How she has no manners'; 'How she doesn't even know the difference between a tomato and a potato'. ( note Mini-me does know the difference. She was really sick as a baby and has a speech prob. The names sound the same to her, so she uses then interchangeably) As I sat there listening to her tear apart my Mama-san, myself and my daughter, I realized that I have a complete double standard when it comes to her. She says things that I would jump down someone else's throat about. I wonder why? Is it because my Mama-san asked me not to start something with Aughra? Maybe. Little. Is it cause I still get a little scared of what will happen if I yell at her? I think that is a lot of it. She likes to withhold affection if you don't toe the line. Aughra likes to dangle something in front of you. 'Here. See this? This is how much I love you. When I die you will get it. I have hung on to it your whole life just for you.' Then when your opinion is different than hers, she snatches it away. When I was 8-9, she gave me this dress to wear. I hated it. wouldn't wear it. We had a big fight. Didn't talk to each other for probably 10 years.

Aughra is tough woman. She's had a hard life. Very hard. It has made her a hard woman. She assumes anyone she loves is out to screw her. This is what her life experiences have taught her. She is in the process of dying now. It is a painful ugly death. Slowly drowning. So my conundrum is this... I know she loves us all of us. I know she cannot express it the way most people do. Do I ignore her behavior and do clean up with my daughter afterward? Is this the way I want my daughter to remember the woman that most of Aughra's hometown thinks is a saint? 'Cuz bucking the system means fighting with my Mama-san too. Do I want to go there? I know that my Mama-san will side with Aughra she has to. Aughra will hurt her in ways that can't be forgiven, if she sides with me. So then what? I have heard that I am just as hard as Aughra. Am I really that ugly and hard to people? See, Opening this can of worms means hearing that over and over again. This is depressing. I think I'll pull a Scarlet and think about it tomorrow.

PISSED! (warning not for everyone)

I'm Pissed! Not the euro pissed as in drunk. The US pissed as in postal. Today I come home from putting in extra hours to pay bills. Zombie Boy and Mini-me are watching cartoons. Neither say HI. Neither acknowledge that I have even entered the house. So I ask Mini-me if she had done her homework.(assuming she had 'cuz it is over an hour since she had gotten out of school. 'No, Daddy said she could watch cartoons and eat cookies first.' sigh. I told Mini-me to quit playin' her dad, get in her room and do her homework. I told both of them that they knew better, homework before TV. Mini-me starts the 'its too hard', 'I don't understand' whine which for her translates into 'I don't wanna do my homework. You come do it for me.' Well Angry Guy shows-up. He starts telling Mini-me to quit acting stupid. And as she gets more upset he gets louder. Then is like 'Fine! Cry!' The whole time I have been trying to be calm and calm down Angry Guy. SO not working. Then he made her cry. MY HER!

That was it! Gloves are off! I told him he is doing exactly the same shit to Mini-me that was done to him and I AM NOT HAVING IT! I will be GOD DAMMED if he is going to damage my child. So we had an ugly conversation. I was not kind.

Backround:
Lately, if I try to talk to him about my feelings on what is going on...'Bum is all 'I am only doing this to keep you' implying that if I leave him, he will stop counseling. So ever so gently I point out that he needs to stop worrying about what I am doing and start worrying about getting well for his daughter. HE then tells me I am trying to control him by threatening divorce. First of all I would like to point out I never threaten anyone. I state my position on a situation so that everyone knows where they stand. Today, during the Angry Guy triad, I had an epiphany! The Son of A Bitch was controlling me by saying I was behaving like his mother.

Back to the fight:
After I slapped him down(figuratively speaking), he stomped off to our room to pout. Such the wrong move. 'Cuz I stew. My Papa-san says it is the German in me, but what ever the reason the longer I think about something the madder I get. So when pouty boy reemerged we had us a little pow-wow. I told him that I am sick in tired of him trying to make me think I am the crazy one. I am done with the way he behaves toward my daughter. And he had better start doing what the fucking Counselor says. He cannot hinge his mental health on me. I can barely keep myself sober and a good parent I cannot carry his ass around also. I know my limits.

He counters with Dr. Feelgood wants him to cry and to get angry. And he doesn't want to. My response? TOO FUCKING BAD. Man up, Damn it! If not feeling those feeling is what broke you in the first place, than continuing to ignore them will not help you heal. So now he is tearing up 'cuz I iz a unfeeling bitch. I asked him who are we going to listen to the diagnosed crazy guy who barely finished high school or the Dr. who is working on her master degree in this? mmm... Gosh I don't know. Which should we choose? Bah! Just typing it out is making me mad again. What right has He got to decide not to follow through with treatment? Damn it!!!! I chose good this time. He had a good job. He paid his bills. He thought I was a princess. Everything was pretty good. We fought but everybody fights. Then I became a mommy and he lost his fool mind. WHY ME!?!?!

Scarey Attack Celia

I was just reading a thread on Ravelry today. And In they were discussing one of those name generator scripts for Sarah Palin . I went on typed in my full name and Learned that if Sarah had been my mom, my name would've been Seam Marauder Palin. I think 'funny. Then a few posts later someone post a pirate name quiz. So I took the quiz. Yea! Fun! Silly Names! My pirate name? Bloody Bess Bonney.

eep. Bloody? Marauder?

What are the mystic power of the universe trying to tell me?
Am I that violent?
Should People be afraid?
Very Afraid?
Mwaaaahahah!

The Last Knit

Alright all you yarn-olics out there. Here is your public service announcment. The YouTube film on the top could be you! Beware! Seriously the funniest G-rated thing I have seen in awhile.

Meanwhile back at the Ponderosa...Everthing around here is reasonably okay. Something are much better. 'Bum is more comfortable in his skin. His is better with the decisions he has made recently. In all he is good. Mini-me is doing great at school and is really interested in reading this year! Yippee!

I am continuing to try to curb the rampant cussing coming out of my mouth. I am still sober. Which some of you may know was alittle touch and go last month. I have a new exciting tick from all the stress in the house. Get this. Everytime I leave the house...I get a migraine. Which I then have for the rest of the day. What fun, huh? I am not sure what is the problem. Maybe it is 'cause 'bum poked the crazy and I am just waiting for the retaliation? Expecting WWIII? MMMM...That is a thought. Anyway the current keep-Celia-from-the-Hug-me-tight-coat meds are not working. So it is back to the Doctor's for me. Sigh. So that's the latest and greatest. Feel free to voice opinion on this subject.

It'll be a cold day in hell...

I had a bad day this week. A really bad day. I am an addict. See... I keep thinking it’s was an addict. And then the NEED rears its head and the desire comes back. And I am a mess. The same mess I was when I decided to sober up. Here is the exciting part. I was an addict my junior-senior year in high school. It will be 14 years this year since I stopped. I forget between the times I have an attack (?) how bad they are. I forget that they even happen. My daughter’s god-mother tells me they happen about once or twice a year.I thought I would share my experience of alcohol with you. First you should know my family has a long history of drinking. Though none of them ever have called themselves an alcoholic. And in fact some of them still believe I am over dramatic about it. I was never that bad.  Here is how bad it didn’t get. I was a fairly good student in high school. Pretty high marks. I was going to go to an art college. I lettered in speech and debate. Then I started drinking. At first it was very casual. Just a beer (or 5) at a party. People were always so admiring of the amount of liquor I could put away. So I started drinking more and harder alcohol. One of the nights I can remember I had drunk; 12 Jack Daniels’ Down Punch thingies, 4 big 32 oz glasses of rum w/ a little coca cola for color, and one of the big bottles of Mad Dog 20/20. After all that I could still walk. I was about 140 lbs.  My school tried to intervene, I quit going. My boyfriend, who I was 'promised' to at that time started to catch on, I broke up with him out of the blue. My family tried, but I moved out. I refused to be helped. I was having fun.People say you spiral like water down a bath tub drain. But I never knew I was. I was partying and having sex. People liked me. It was a great time. I started blacking out waking up next to guys I wouldn’t even talk to sober. But some greater power was guarding me ‘cause I managed to only get a knocked up and a case of crabs. Yes, one of these great winners got me knocked up.  However, the little pink line on the pee stick probably saved my life. Screw up myself? Sure. Why not? It’s my life. Screw up someone else? Not gonna do it. So I sobered up. I didn’t go to meetings. I didn’t go to rehab. I read everything I could find about addiction. This is NOT the way I would advise anyone to go about this. I made it way too hard on myself I should have gotten someone to help me. Please DO NOT THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA!.So becoming sober sounds fairly cut and dry. You stop putting the poison in your body. You go through detox and find your triggers so you don’t slip. The thing I could never find anyone saying was how loud everything becomes. How bright. How hard and sharp all the edges of the world are. See the numbness is soft and seductive. It makes everything funny and easy.  This week I was in pain, I wanted a drink so bad. It hurt to be sober. I ached for the numbness and the time way from reality. I wept I wanted it so bad. It was the 1st time in 14 years that it was that bad. I felt like such a loser for not being able to put this behind me. I know I am not a loser I am a strong person. But the addiction was thinking not me. One drink would take the edge off the pain. One drink won’t get me going again. This time I reached out. Told people what was happening. And while I struggled, I had people telling me I could beat it. And then another attack faded away.And I began to remember that it is like being allergic to something you crave. You know you shouldn't eat it. You know it will make you very sick and maybe this time even kill you. But it tastes so good.