Sunday, December 13, 2009

Mothers & Daughters

I went to visit Aughra today. We had quite the conversation about Mama-san.
It seems that since Aughra got back from visiting the Eastside family over Thanksgiving (she feels) Mama-san has washed her hands of Aughra. Here is the thing. Mama-san talks to Aughra daily and goes to see her a couple of times a week. Aughra is just slipping enough these days that she doesn't remember those visits. Today she cried telling me how she hadn't seen her daughter all week. She just didn't understand. She thought Mama-san and her were finally building a relationship. Now Mama-san had been there not 2 days before to pick-up Aughra's laundry for me to do and take back today.Which I did. But Aughra just doesn't remember that visit.

The whole conversation got me to thinking what is it about mothers & daughters? Why are we so hard on each other? Why is we can't give each other a break? It isn't like we don't know what it is like to live inside a girls head. How a small comment can grow into a huge slight with a little time and brooding. We say something in passing and it becomes a insult. So I wonder why? Why is it when Aughra says my cousin the Capt. of Business "makes a good meatloaf and she can really do anything she sets her mind to ". I hear but you can't. Aughra didn't say that so why do I put it in there? Or when Mama-san talks about the Steps. I feel like she is slighting me or Mini-me in some way.

It is a strange thing that the person who gave us life can make us so miserable. That they can push their issues on to us. Make us worry over our weight. Or repeatedly say we are a certain way until we believe them. I believe that most mothers are trying to help. They are trying to protect us from ourselves. When does this protection become harmful? When does the mothering become something to cause anxiety and be avoided?

I never want Mini-me feel about me the way Mama-san feels about Aughra. So here is what I will try to do to stop the insanity. I will tell Mini-me I love her. I will be pretty obnoxious about. Anytime anywhere. Even when I am mad. I will tell her, "Mommy loves you dearly, but if you don't get outta her sight she may have to beat you." I will not pester her about wieght, boys or her personality.

For Mama-san, I will try to cut her a break. I will try to listen to what is actually said and not read other things into to it. For Aughra, I will try not to judge her. I will remind her that Mama-san has other things she must take care of and when she saw Mama-san last. I will try to remind Mama-san that her mama is a scared little old lady and needs to be reassured all that time that she won't be left to rot in the home alone. I will remind both of them at they love each other even when they can't to look at each other.

And my dears, Stalkers, I urge you to make sure with words, out loud and everything, that your mother and/or daughter knows you love them even when they make you crazy. Tell them often. Tell them Loudly. Keeping telling them until they never question it.

1 comment:

  1. Wow you REALLY hit me in the gut with this one. Maybe I'll print it out to remind myself. Are we living the same mother/daughter/grandmother scenario at the same time or what? You are so right. I'm going to really have to ponder these things. With my daughter being a teenager right now, 18 tomorrow in fact, I'm really struggling over being a nonjudgmental mother right now. Not to mention not reading things into what my daughter, mother and grandmother all say to and about myself and each other. Female to female relationships really are TRYING at best. Maybe you've spelled out some of these reasons.