I had a bad day this week. A really bad day. I
am an addict. See... I keep thinking it’s
was an addict. And then the NEED rears its head and the desire comes back. And I am a mess. The same mess I was when I decided to sober up. Here is the exciting part. I was an addict my junior-senior year in high school. It will be 14 years this year since I stopped. I forget between the times I have an attack (?) how bad they are. I forget that they even happen. My daughter’s god-mother tells me they happen about once or twice a year.I thought I would share my experience of alcohol with you. First you should know my family has a long history of drinking. Though none of them ever have called themselves an alcoholic. And in fact some of them still believe I am over dramatic about it. I was never that bad. Here is how bad it didn’t get. I was a fairly good student in high school. Pretty high marks. I was going to go to an art college. I lettered in speech and debate. Then I started drinking. At first it was very casual. Just a beer (or 5) at a party. People were always so admiring of the amount of liquor I could put away. So I started drinking more and harder alcohol. One of the nights I can remember I had drunk; 12 Jack Daniels’ Down Punch thingies, 4 big 32 oz glasses of rum w/ a little coca cola for color, and one of the big bottles of Mad Dog 20/20. After all that I could still walk. I was about 140 lbs. My school tried to intervene, I quit going. My boyfriend, who I was 'promised' to at that time started to catch on, I broke up with him out of the blue. My family tried, but I moved out. I refused to be helped. I was having fun.People say you spiral like water down a bath tub drain. But I never knew I was. I was partying and having sex. People liked me. It was a great time. I started blacking out waking up next to guys I wouldn’t even talk to sober. But some greater power was guarding me ‘cause I managed to only get a knocked up and a case of crabs. Yes, one of these great winners got me knocked up. However, the little pink line on the pee stick probably saved my life. Screw up myself? Sure. Why not? It’s my life. Screw up someone else? Not gonna do it. So I sobered up. I didn’t go to meetings. I didn’t go to rehab. I read everything I could find about addiction.
This is NOT the way I would advise anyone to go about this. I made it way too hard on myself I should have gotten someone to help me. Please DO NOT THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA!.
So becoming sober sounds fairly cut and dry. You stop putting the poison in your body. You go through detox and find your triggers so you don’t slip. The thing I could never find anyone saying was how loud everything becomes. How bright. How hard and sharp all the edges of the world are. See the numbness is soft and seductive. It makes everything funny and easy. This week I was in pain, I wanted a drink so bad. It hurt to be sober. I ached for the numbness and the time way from reality. I wept I wanted it so bad. It was the 1st time in 14 years that it was that bad. I felt like such a loser for not being able to put this behind me. I know I am not a loser I am a strong person. But the addiction was thinking not me. One drink would take the edge off the pain. One drink won’t get me going again. This time I reached out. Told people what was happening. And while I struggled, I had people telling me I could beat it. And then another attack faded away.And I began to remember that it is like being allergic to something you crave. You know you shouldn't eat it. You know it will make you very sick and maybe this time even kill you. But it tastes so good.
I had a bad day this week. A really bad day. I am an addict. See... I keep thinking it’s was an addict. And then the NEED rears its head and the desire comes back. And I am a mess. The same mess I was when I decided to sober up. Here is the exciting part. I was an addict my junior-senior year in high school. It will be 14 years this year since I stopped. I forget between the times I have an attack (?) how bad they are. I forget that they even happen. My daughter’s god-mother tells me they happen about once or twice a year.I thought I would share my experience of alcohol with you. First you should know my family has a long history of drinking. Though none of them ever have called themselves an alcoholic. And in fact some of them still believe I am over dramatic about it. I was never that bad. Here is how bad it didn’t get. I was a fairly good student in high school. Pretty high marks. I was going to go to an art college. I lettered in speech and debate. Then I started drinking. At first it was very casual. Just a beer (or 5) at a party. People were always so admiring of the amount of liquor I could put away. So I started drinking more and harder alcohol. One of the nights I can remember I had drunk; 12 Jack Daniels’ Down Punch thingies, 4 big 32 oz glasses of rum w/ a little coca cola for color, and one of the big bottles of Mad Dog 20/20. After all that I could still walk. I was about 140 lbs. My school tried to intervene, I quit going. My boyfriend, who I was 'promised' to at that time started to catch on, I broke up with him out of the blue. My family tried, but I moved out. I refused to be helped. I was having fun.People say you spiral like water down a bath tub drain. But I never knew I was. I was partying and having sex. People liked me. It was a great time. I started blacking out waking up next to guys I wouldn’t even talk to sober. But some greater power was guarding me ‘cause I managed to only get a knocked up and a case of crabs. Yes, one of these great winners got me knocked up. However, the little pink line on the pee stick probably saved my life. Screw up myself? Sure. Why not? It’s my life. Screw up someone else? Not gonna do it. So I sobered up. I didn’t go to meetings. I didn’t go to rehab. I read everything I could find about addiction. This is NOT the way I would advise anyone to go about this. I made it way too hard on myself I should have gotten someone to help me. Please DO NOT THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA!.
So becoming sober sounds fairly cut and dry. You stop putting the poison in your body. You go through detox and find your triggers so you don’t slip. The thing I could never find anyone saying was how loud everything becomes. How bright. How hard and sharp all the edges of the world are. See the numbness is soft and seductive. It makes everything funny and easy. This week I was in pain, I wanted a drink so bad. It hurt to be sober. I ached for the numbness and the time way from reality. I wept I wanted it so bad. It was the 1st time in 14 years that it was that bad. I felt like such a loser for not being able to put this behind me. I know I am not a loser I am a strong person. But the addiction was thinking not me. One drink would take the edge off the pain. One drink won’t get me going again. This time I reached out. Told people what was happening. And while I struggled, I had people telling me I could beat it. And then another attack faded away.And I began to remember that it is like being allergic to something you crave. You know you shouldn't eat it. You know it will make you very sick and maybe this time even kill you. But it tastes so good.
Lots of love and hugs from a fellow rubbernecker. I am so proud of you this week.--KnittingReader
ReplyDeleteWow. Your entry is candid and frank, and very very brave. ((hug)) Your strength is phenomenal.
ReplyDelete~J.
What a brave woman you are for sharing this! I am so proud of your strength and your honesty. {{hugs}}
ReplyDeleteknit1pug2
Thanks for sharing this. In my family we call this "walking in the light". The more people know what you struggle with, the more help they can be. When you keep your struggles in the dark it only makes you hold them tighter, in my opinion. I hope that makes sense.
ReplyDelete-D