Monday, September 29, 2008

The 3 faces of 'Bum

So many people know something has been up in the CeliaAnne Knits household and himself has finally given me permission to discuss this with MY family and friends.(We will get back to the reason for the 'MY' in the last sentence.) In the Spring of this year, I told my 'bum I was out. Done. After 10 years I was ready to leave. Which completely blindsided him and that fact flabbergasted me.

How could he have missed how unhappy his wife-y and daughter were? Was he just not seeing it? We talked it over and over and over. I decided that, if he was willing go to marriage counseling, I was willing to try to work it out. So we go and we talk to the very nice Dr. Feelgood. The following takes place over 3-4 visits.

Dr. Feelgood asks I what is going on. I tell my side of our issues. I tell her feel like the only grown-up. That I have to be aware of what mini-me is doing and what my 30+ 'son' is up to. I have to play referee between the two of them all the time. The dog even ignores him. I am the only person concerned about paying bills and cleaning the house. That's not true. Mini-me is always offering her piggy bank to help me pay a bill and always trying to help me clean the house. And then I admit to being a difficult person to live with. I am not patient with adults as a rule. 'Bum? he sits there. Says nothing. Acts like he doesn't even realize he is in the room with us.

Dr. Feelgood gets his attention after a couple of tries and asks him what he was thinking. He says he doesn't know. She asks him why he does these things he says he doesn't know. She asks him why he is so angry all the time. He says he thinks It is because he has a chemical imbalance. She sniffs. Dr.Feelgood asks 'Bum to talk about his childhood. So he talks. During this time, I mostly listen. Sometimes I interject something that the in-laws had shared with me. Hearing his childhood from his point of view made me really sad for lil'Bum. Kids don't see things the same way adults do. If adults don't explain things to children, children come-up with their own explanations and they hold them close as solid truths.

After about 2 sessions of this is 'Bum's life, Dr. Feelgood drops the bomb. 'Bum has a physiological disorder, Dissociative Identity. Think Sybil, but not that bad. Mini-me and I had actually come up with names (pre-diagnosis) for the different faces 'bum has. Which I thought was interesting when I looked up info on this disorder. This info understandably scared 'Bum. I am going to take a moment to describe each facet of 'Bum. Those have meet him in real life may recognized them.

There is Angry Guy. He is mad at the world. If you won't just give it to him he will take it. Don't look at him the wrong way or it is on. You don't actually have to do anything to Angry Guy. Angry Guy is the reason my family thinks that 'Bum might become abusive. He has never been physically abusive. Mentally? Guess so. I am not sure. Dr. Feelgood says 'yes'. CeliaAnne says 'neh, could go either way. Nobody is perfect.' Mini-me didn't get a vote, but she had been have nightmares about her daddy when I decided enough was enough.

The next side of 'Bum is Zombie Boy. Zombie Boy cannot walk past the TV without being caught under its spell. Zombie Boy is the one who puts the XBox before his daughter and wife. Zombie Boy is the one who checks out when you are talking to 'Bum.

And then there's Daddy. Daddy is the one who plays with Mini-me. Daddy takes Mini-me sledding. Daddy volunteers at Mini-me's school library. We like Daddy man. He is a great human being.

Back to Dr. Feelgood. She said that there was no point in working on our marriage when we never really knew who we were talking to. In fact when 'Bum said he didn't know why he did something, really didn't. He probably wasn't the one that did it. Dr. Feelgood said something happened to lil'Bum that was so bad, he couldn't deal. His lil'mind broke instead. Dr. Feelgood said that I didn't need to come anymore. 'Bum asked me to continue to come. He didn't want to do this alone.

WOW! All I can say about this next couple of sessions is Angry Guy has a lot of RAGE toward his parents. A LOT. Dr. Feelgood and 'Bum finally started to get to the meat of his problems. Then 'Bum asked me to stop coming. He was afraid for me to know about whatever it was that broke him. I still don't know what that was. Frankly, judging by what he did share with me and what I know from the in-laws, I am almost 100% sure I don't wanna know.

Dr. Feelgood and himself decided to cut all contact with his parents. I personally think this is wrong. However, 'Bum and Dr. Feelgood both believe that him talking about this to his parent would end really badly. (yes, bossy nosey me called Dr. Feelgood and made her explain herself. OK, 'Bum told her to talk to me about this.) 'Bum actually told me to call the police if either of them showed up at the house. He gave me the impression that he expected violence. My question is what the hell happened to him? And then I remind myself that if he ever starts talking to his parents again, I would probably not be able to be nice to them if it was their fault. It is a Pandora's box, once I hear it I won't be able to forget it. As it sits now...No contact with his family, his choice I know but I still think they deserve to at least know where this is coming from. And now he has decided to stop going. He tells me he just needs to make an appointment and has needed to for about a month. Things are slowly shifting back to the way the were in the Spring of this year. So here I sit trying to keep it all together. And convince my broken 'Bum to get help. 'Cuz if he doesn't .. I don't don't like to things threaten. I just do what I say I'm going to do. I told him that I will protect our daughter even from him if I have to.

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